


Palentine's Day Baking with No Homo Howell and Pal Lester - RED VELVET COOKIES

by umathurmanjustwatchedmehavesex



Series: Days in the Married Life of Dan and Phil [6]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Baking, Domestic Phan, Fluff, M/M, Marriage, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 03:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9699173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/umathurmanjustwatchedmehavesex/pseuds/umathurmanjustwatchedmehavesex
Summary: It's 13th February 2018, Dan and Phil have just gotten married, and Dan uploads a a Valentine's Day baking video to celebrate.Feat: ridiculous t-shirts, inappropriate flour-handling, weird flirting, bad rapping, Hamilton references (may or may not be related), whisk jokes, Yuri!!! On Ice references, mentions of my second wife Hannah Hart, singing along to the Star Wars theme, a rogue Homestuck callout, and many, many sex jokes.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It's Valentine's Day, have a fic.
> 
> protip: they are making cookies. I first wrote it that they were making cupcakes, but I forgot to change all the mentions. Sorry for any potential confusion!

[Video opens on Dan dressed in black, giving the camera a salute.]

“Hello, internet! As Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, so I thought, why not make a baking video to celebrate? But, Dan! You might be saying. Why would you, someone who has been hopelessly single for the last, oh, I don’t know, eight and a half years celebrate Valentine’s Day? Yeah, that thought had occurred to me as well – so, hey, why not celebrate Palentine’s Day instead? A day dedicated to your best friend, instead of any silly romantic partner you may or may not have, and who else better to join me than flatmate and fellow confirmed bachelor Phil Lester!”

[Phil Lester, Confirmed Bachelor, steps in frame with a smile and a wave. He is wearing his dark red shirt with a white heart pattern.]

“Hey, pal, how you feeling?”

“I’m feeling great! I’m really excited to make this video, I’ve even dressed up for the occasion.”

“You have, you have, it’s very fitting. You look adorable – no homo.”

“You should be dressed up as well, though.”

“That’s a good point, Phil, but this is the same problem that I had when Dil was proposing to Tabitha. I don’t have anything that is suitable and/or _not_ black.”

“You could wear something of mine?”

“I could, I could.”

“But I don’t think that would be a very good idea.”

“Oh, yeah, cause then people might think we’re together or something. Maybe I could wear it anyway and put a disclaimer in the title, make sure no one gets the wrong impression?”

“Now that could work! We could call it –”

[Phil moves his hands as if unveiling a huge banner above his head.]

“‘ _Baking with No Homo Howell and Pal Lester_ ’.”

“‘ _Palentine’s Day Baking With No Homo Howell and Pal Lester_ ’ – got the title of the video, lads.”

[Jumpcut.]

“So were you gonna go get a t-shirt form our bedroom, or…”

“Oh! Right, yes.”

[Jumpcut. Dan is wearing a white t-shirt with small red hearts dotted all over it, tugging at the sleeves.]

“The arms are a bit tight.”

“What? No, I think they’re perfectly fine.”

[Dan drops his arms with a roll of his eyes.]

“Of course _you_ would.”

[Jumpcut.]

“So, you excited to do it with me, Phil”

“Oh, yeah, definitely.”

“Not do it as in, you know, _do it_ , but do it as in make a baking video with me.”

“Yeah, we have definitely not done it. Baking videos, yeah, but definitely not any other activity that could potentially involve a whisk in the equation.”

“One day I will kill Tyler Oakley with a whisk, and he will have had it coming.”

“What, by shoving it into a particular crevice?”

[Beat. Dan’s face scrunches up as Phil snickers at him.]

“Oh for fu –”

[Jumpcut.]

“So, what are we making today, Phil?”

“We are going to be making red velvet cookies, which we have made before in cupcake form but with mostly disastrous results.”

“Ah, yes, in the good old days when both I and my hair were pretending to be straight, we tried to make green velvet cupcakes –”

[Dan motions to his right: a red velvet cupcake edited to be green pops up.]

“And, instead, they turned out swampy brown.”

[He motions to his left: a picture of their cakes from their 2014 baking video pops up.]

“Cakes that Shrek would be proud of.”

[Dan drops his hands with an eye roll: the pictures disappear.]

“You’re still not over it, are you?”

“It was so disappointing!”

 “ _t’s been three years –_ ”

[Jumpcut.]

“This year we decided to just go back to basics with the red velvet cookies because we feel like it’s really appropriate for the season –”

“What, with red for romance?”

“No, red to represent our manliness because red is the colour of _men_.”

[Phil faux-flexes with an exaggerated determined expression.]

“Oh, right, and velvet to represent, what, royalty? No, no, velvet to represent the success that our totally platonic partnership has gained us.”

“Yeah, like the radio show, the book, the tour, the gaming channel – I mean, those count as successes, right?”

“And cookies because… we like cookie.”

“Astute observation, Dan.”

“Thanks, _Phil_.”

[Jumpcut.]

 

“For the cookies, you will need 225g – what are you doing?”

 [Dan stops squishing the large bag of plain flour.]

“It’s chub.”

[Phil looks at him for a few more seconds. Dan squeezes the bag once more.]

“I don’t think the flour appreciates that, Dan.”

“Okay.”

[Jumpcut. Dan is holding a bag of golden caster sugar.]

“175g sugar –”

“How much does a hand weigh again? Would that be 175g?”

“How much does a _hand_ weigh?”

[Beat. Phil looks even _more_ confused.]

“Wait, _again_?”

“Yeah, cause if we put in 175g of you that should be sweet enough, right?”

[Next step: add the slightest hint of a blush to Phil’s confusion.]

“…I think that’s supposed to be a compliment?”

“Wait, let me google it –”

“We are not putting my hand in the cookies! That’s cannibalism!”

“Dannibal Lester rises.”

“Also, I could think up some much better uses for my hand.”

[Beat.]

“Okay, there are two ways that that can be interpreted, and I’m just gonna go ahead and choose the one which is slightly less sad and hopefully involves me in the equation.”

[Jumpcut.]

“175g of butter that’s as salty as Dan is.”

[Dan lowers the pack of butter he had been about to flourish at the camera and gives his husband an Unimpressed Look.]

“I don’t actually know if it’s supposed to be salted or unsalted, I just wanted to make that joke.”

“Honestly, I’m really feeling the love here.”

“It’s also supposed to be soft, as well, if that helps.”

“What, you’re supposed to soften me up?”

“Yeah!”

“Wow. What a charmer, this guy, seriously.”

[Jumpcut.]

“10g cocoa powder, sifted –”

[Dan is drumming a tiny beat into the lid of the cocoa powder. Jumpcut.]

“1 large – sorry, 1 _thicc_ egg.”

[Dan stops pretending to shove an entire egg in his mouth.]

“I’m divorcing you.”

[Phil giggles. Jumpcut.]

“1 teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda –”

“Don’t you mean _bi-the-way-_ carbonate of soda, ay, ay –”

[Jumpcut.]

“½ a teaspoon of vanilla extracted straight from the teat of a vanilla bird.”

“Is that, like, a bird who isn’t into kinky shit, or –?”

“Pigeons have their secrets.”

“The amount I am refusing to even go there in the slightest is _staggering_.”

[Jumpcut.]

“½ a teaspoon of red food-colouring.”

[Dan holds the small bottle before him dramatically.]

“ _The blood of angry men_ –”

 [Jumpcut.]

“3 tablespoons of buttermilk –”

[Dan holds the pot up to the camera with a wink.]

“Well, I know whose gonna be my date this Valentine’s.”

[Jumpcut.]

“1½ teaspoons of white wine vinegar –”

[Dan holds the bottle of vinegar out to Phil with Heart Eyes activated.]

“Will you be wine? – mine, I mean, mine.”

 [Jumpcut.]

“And, finally, 100g white chocolate!”

“Which seems, Phil Howell-Lester, to have _already been tampered with_.”

[Dan carries the opened bar of chocolate into the shot: Phil scrunches up his face.]

“I’m sorry, it’s just so nice!”

“Like, I shouldn’t be surprised, and yet –”

“It’s Valentine’s Day, it’s the season of sweetness! I should be allowed some chocolate.”

“Every season is the season of sweetness to you – but it’s okay, Phil, I accept you for who you are, sugar cravings and all.”

“Aw, thanks, Dan. You’re a real friend.”

[Dan winks at the camera. Jumpcut.]

“For the utensils, or should I say, u- _relax_ -ils.”

[Dan gives Phil a Look.]

“What? You should be relaxed while baking!”

[Dan turns and walks wordlessly out of frame. Phil pauses, looks conspiringly at the camera, and reaches for the chocolate bar left on the side.]

“Put that thing back where it came from or _so help me_ –”

[Jumpcut.]

“You will need a big bowl –”

[Dan holds up a large bowl with a very serious expression.]

“A little bowl –”

[Dan takes out a much smaller bowl from within that bowl, face still stone cold: Phil laughs.]

“Where are you hiding the whisk?”

“Well, if Tyler Oakley has anything to do with it, up your –”

[Jumpcut.]

“One whisk –”

[Dan holds a whisk away from himself with a disgusted expression. Jumpcut.]

“One sieve – are you rocking it like a baby?”

[Dan halts his gentle rocks of the sieve in his arms.]

“Look, now that Dab isn’t a baby anymore, I’ve gotta get my paternal fix somewhere. I have needs, you know.”

[Jumpcut.]

 

“Some baking paper and, finally, 2 baking trays – oi! Stop swatting my bum!”

[Dan swats at him a couple more times with the baking tray as they both laugh. Jumpcut: Phil is struggling to hold many cake-decorating items in his arms as Dan speaks.]

“Also, decorations are a pretty important component when it comes to baking, and we’ve just sort of gone with a variety of red icing tubes, love hearts – you know, all totally manly, platonic bro stuff.”

[Dan gives Phil a Bro Nudge, who promptly drops all he was holding on the floor with a yelp.]

“Dan!”

“…which are now all on the floor. What a great start to the video.”

[Jumpcut.]

“Now for the method to the mistakes: number one –”

“– _I’m a girl in world in which my only job is to marry rich_.”

[Dan immediately jumps into a dramatic pose to join in with Phil’s high-pitched ‘rapping’.]

“ _My father has no sons so I’m the one who has to social climb for one_ –”

[Jumpcut. Dan clears his throat.]

“ _Anyway_ , step one: preheat your oven to 190C or 375F –”

“What about people have fan ovens?”

“– – – look, if people are internet enough to be able to watch this, they’re internet enough to convert between oven temperatures, m’kay.”

[Jumpcut: Phil, holding a baking tray and paper, speaks first.]

“Then, while your oven is warming your butt –”

“Mine’s already hot enough, thanks.”

[The corner of Phil’s mouth twitches as he continues talking.]

“– line your baking trays with your baking paper.

[Jumpcut.]

“Number two –”

[Dan raises a hand.]

“We are not singing Hamilton again.”

“ – cream together the butter, sugar and vanilla extract together using Dan’s favourite thing in the entire world.”

“ _Stooop_.”

[Jumpcut: close-up of the butter and sugar being whisked together in the large bowl by Phil, the ring on his finger glinting slightly as he does so.]

“Dan’s on close-up duty because he was too much of a wimp to whisk.”

“I am traumatised, okay, god. How long are you supposed to cream it for again?”

“Until light and fluffy, apparently.”

“Aw, bit like you.”

“I’m not light and fluffy, I’m manly as hell.”

“If you say so, Phil.”

[Jumpcut: back to normal camera shot, Phil speaking to the camera as Dan holds up the relevant ingredients.]

“Once your butter, sugar, and vanilla extract have been creamed together, add the egg, red food-colouring, and buttermilk and beat until combined.”

[Jumpcut: the large bowl is on the stove now, Dan’s hands can be seen cracking the egg into it.]

“Do you ever just get the urge to just, like, squeeze the yolk of an egg just to see it explode?”

“…with all due respect, Phil, what the fuck.”

[Jumpcut. Dan is pouring the red food-colouring into the bowl as Phil mixes.]

“Oh, oh, oh, oh, _ohhhh_ Jemima, that looks good. Do you think that’s enough food-colouring?”

“How much did it say to add?”

“You are asking literally the wrongest person right now.”

“It looks pretty pink to me.”

“Yes but they’re supposed to be _red_ , Phil. Remember what happened to the green cakes?”

“I feel attacked right now. Let’s just add the buttermilk, I think it’s pink enough. The cocoa will help.”

“Yeah, probably. One moment, let me just –”

“What are you doing?”

[Jumpcut back to normal shot: Dan is taking a whole spoonful of buttermilk and shoving the whole thing in his mouth, groaning overdramatically as he does so.]

“Dan!”

“ _Ohhhh_ , so good, Phil.”

“Dan, we have neighbours.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time they’ve heard these noises, _mmmm_.”

“You are getting another spoon.”

“You have had your tongue on very questionable areas of my body, and yet it is using the same spoon that I’ve had in my mouth that you object to.”

[Jumpcut: Dan is pouring three spoonsful of buttermilk into the bowl.]

“Phil made me get another spoon.”

[Jumpcut: Dan is holding the smaller bowl and chatting to the camera as Phil sieves in the dry ingredients.]

“Now weigh out and sieve your plain flour, cocoa, and _bi-the-way-_ carbonate of soda into a separate bowl.”

“Why is it called bicarbonate of soda anyway? Is it like bicarbonate of sprite or bicarbonate of coke?”

“I think that last one’s a complete different thing _entirely_ , Phil.”

[Jumpcut: Dan is shaking the dry ingredients into the larger bowl, Phil mixing everything together with the whisk as he speaks.]

“Now mix it all together, combining the wet and the dry ingredients to make the perfect dough as you do your personalities to create the perfect friendship.”

“This is turning out way more _My Drunk Kitchen_ than I expected.”

“Sorry, Hannah!”

[Jumpcut. Phil is still whisking, and the mixture is turning a pinkish-brown colour.]

“So, Phil is combining the dry ingredients and the wet ingredients, me contributing the dry with my dry, sarcastic sense of humour.”

“And me contributing the wet with – mmph!”

[Dan has put a hand over his mouth.]

“Believe me when I say that you _really_ don’t want to end that sentence – EW.”

[Dan whips his hand back, looking at it with a disgusted expression as Phil laughs.]

“ _That’s_ how I contribute the wet.”

“– – – did you just _lick_ my _hand_?”

“I’ve licked worse.”

“Oh, my god.”

[Jumpcut. The bowl abandoned on the side, Phil is leaning against the oven, hands over his face laughing as Dan is straining to look over his shoulder, trying his best to look very unimpressed.]

 “I can’t believe you just did that.”

“I’m sorry!”

“You’re – you’re not _sorry_ , look at what you just did to my butt.”

“Happily.”

[Jumpcut to hand-held camera phone panned down to Dan’s butt, where white, floury, hand-shaped marks can be seen on the seat of his jeans. Phil is laughing even harder in the background.]

“He literally just _groped_ my butt. How disrespectful of my personal boundaries is that?”

“You _liked_ it!”

“…yeah, true.”

[Jumpcut. Back to previous camera shot, Dan is up close to the camera, grinning as Phil whines in the background.]

“I may have given him a matching set.”

“ _Daaan_.”

[Jumpcut. Phil is holding the bar of white chocolate, looking at it quizzically.]

“I’m not really sure how we’re supposed to make this into chunks. We should have probably just bought the chocolate drops instead.”

“What, so you could just tip the entire packet in your mouth?”

“Yeah.”

[Dan is leaning against the oven with a fond expression as Phil snaps off a line of chocolate and tries breaking it into chunks with his hands.]

“Oh, my god, I’m in love with an idiot.”

[Phil glances over at him.]

“What did you just say?”

[Beat.]

“You’re an idiot.”

“Oh, good, I thought you’d said something gay then.”

“No, of course not, I have never had one gay thought in my entire life.”

[Jumpcut. Close up of Dan slicing the chocolate into chunks with a knife on a chopping board.]

“For all of you watching at home, dear god, just use white chocolate chunks, we fucked up, we fucked up, we fucked up.”

“Yeah, any kids watching at home, don’t do this yourself, always be accompanied by a responsible adult. Dan didn’t even trust me with the knife.”

“Because, knowing you, you’d chop off all your fingers within two minutes which’d be annoying as they’re, like, my third favourite thing about you."

“What’s the first thing?”

[Beat.]

“What’s the _second_?”

“Yeah, definitely not answering that on camera.”

[Jumpcut: normal shot again. Dan is sprinkling the chocolate chunks into the bowl, making exaggerated groaning noises as he does so. Phil is laughing, the mixture becoming more and more dough-like now as he kneads it.]

“This is really hard to do standing up.”

[Dan stops his sprinkling to give Phil a Look.]

“I mean, not on a surface.”

[Dan keeps Looking.]

“With only one hand?”

“I mean, you’re not wrong, I’ll give you that.”

 [Jumpcut.]

“Now that you’ve added your white chocolate chunks-slash-chips and hopefully not eaten them all, you can leave your dough to chill for 2 hours in the fridge or half an hour in the freezer, but we want them to spread as much as possible so we can write stupid shit on them.”

“Also, Dan’s impatient.”

“Also that! So we’re just gonna put them on the baking trays now instead!”

“We’re gonna scoop them out with our new ice cream scoop because at age 30 –”

[Dan coughs twice in succession, with what sounds like the word ‘thirty-one’ between them.]

“– I thought it was high time I learnt to have the self-control to eat ice cream in portions over the space of several days or weeks instead of just eating an entire tub in one go.”

“Which is where me buying us an ice cream scoop as a little nudge in the right direction comes in. Can’t say I’m a bad hu – I mean, ahem, best friend now, can you?”

[Jumpcut: close-up of the bowl on the counter, a fast-forward Phil spooning the mixture into his hands, rolling it up into a ball, placing it onto the baking tray, and flattening it a little with the back of a spoon. Reverts to normal speed as one dough ball is oddly tacky, sticking to his hands and fingers as he pulls them apart.]

“Uh, this one doesn’t seem to want to cooperate.”

“Having a bit of trouble, there, Philly?”

“Yeah.”

[Camera pans up to Phil’s face as he frowns like a grumpy toddler. Jumpcut: normal shot. Phil, holding one tray, looks rather chuffed with himself. Dan, holding the other baking tray, just looks exasperated.]

“So, now that you’ve got your fifteen dough balls on your baking trays, one of them having disappeared somewhere –”

“If I wasn’t holding a baking tray right now, I would be patting my stomach as that is where it is right now, it was a good time.”

“– bake them in your preheated ovens for approximately 13 minutes.”

[Phil immediately spins to put his tray in the oven.]

“I’m putting mine in first!”

“That’s not what you said last night, ay, _ay_ –”

[Jumpcut.]

“Phil.”

“Dan.”

“Yes.”

“We’ve got approximately 13 minutes before the cookies come out. You know what that means.”

“I do?”

“And it’s not that, get your head out of the gutter –”

“Oh.”

“DANCE RAVE.”

[Jumpcut. The chorus to Cascada’s _Every Time We Touch_ is being blasted, to which Dan is jamming very vigorously as Phil stands awkwardly at the side laughing.]

“I didn’t even know you _liked_ this song.”

[Dan ignores him, still caught up in doing the most Ridiculous dance moves one could ever imagine. Phil, glancing between the camera and the increasingly boogieing Dan, cautiously edges out of view. When the second verse starts, Dan turns to face him, arms out. He sighs dramatically and drops them when he notices Phil isn’t standing by him.]

“Honestly. Such a romantic. Should’ve put on the _Stay Close to Me_ duet instead."

[Jumpcut: Phil is alone in the shot.]

“Oi, Howell, get your butt in here, the timer went off.”

[Jumpcut: Dan slides into frame with an affronted expression.]

“Uh, it’s Howell-Lester, actually? God.”

[Jumpcut: close-up of the cookies being taken out of the oven in Stormtrooper oven gloves by Phil, with Dan singing from behind the camera.]

“Yuuum, yuuum – yum yum yum YUUUM yum, yum yum yum YUUUUM yum, yum yum yum yuuuuum –”

“Are you singing the word ‘yum’ to the Star Wars theme?”

“They look so _good_ , though.”

[He’s not wrong. A rich red-brown with slightly melted white chocolate chunks, they don’t look half bad.]

“That still doesn’t explain _why_ you’re singing the word yum to the Star Wars theme.”

“The real question, Phil, is why would anyone _not_ do that?”

[Jumpcut. Normal shot, the cookies can be seen cooling on a rack on the oven behind them.]

“Now to wait for them to cool down so we can decorate them! Obviously you can leave them as they are and it’d be fine, technically that’s how they’re _supposed_ to be eaten if you’re boring, but it is a Dan and Phil Baking Video Trademark Tee-Em to decorate whatever weird concoctions we have managed to produce in weird and wacky ways, so, n’yah.”

“How are we doing that, Dan?”

“I’m glad you asked, Phil! …we’re basically just putting a layer of icing on them and covering that with funny messages, it’s really not that exciting.”

“Oh.”

[Jumpcut. Phil holds out a tub of white icing ( _not_ Betty Crocker) to the camera.]

“I will admit that we are just using white stuff from a tub because we’re lazy and can’t be bothered to do any more hard work.”

“I’m _pretty_ sure an innuendo can be made out of that somehow.”

“Yes, and if there’s any in this world who can do it –”

[Dan points at the camera.]

“It’ll be you guys.”

[Jumpcut: they’re now sitting at the dining table. The cooling rack covered in cookies along with many, many cake decorations sit on the surface before theme.]

"So, what decorations did you manage to get for us today, Phil?"

“We’ve got some more of the edible glitter because that stuff is fantastic –”

“It is just too gay for words –”

“Sugar flowers in pink, white and red, sugar hearts in pink, white, and red, and you’ll never guess what colours I got the icing tubes in.”

“What?”

“Red, pink, and white.”

“Wow. I’m really sensing a theme here.”

“I also got some silver and gold chocolate hearts, but then I ate most of them.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

[Jumpcut. Phil is wiggling his fingers in excitement, and Dan is rubbing his hands together.]

“Alright, let’s get crack-a-lacking. Person with the most saccharine cookie wins the inevitable soul-crushing misery caused by our consumerist society.”

[Jumpcut: a fast-forward of them, two spoons but one bowl between them, coating each cupcake with the white icing. Returns to normal speed as Phil scoops up some with his finger and eats it.]

“The icing’s pretty good, actually. I think it might be better than the Betty Crocker stuff.”

“Yeah, I decided not to go with that this time cause last time we used it there was a bunch of comments about some batty witch and trolls so I decided, hey, maybe go for something associated with a web comic that is slightly less weird.”

“Good plan.”

[Jumpcut: a fast-forward of them decorating, bickering over who gets which decoration as the cookies progressively get pinker and pinker and pinker. When all of them are completely jam-packed with decorations, it slows down once more again as Dan throws his hands up in the air with a whoop as Phil picks up his spoon and reaches for the bowl.]

“ _Finally_ , that took _forever_ – are you eating the rest of the icing?”

[Phil freezes where he sits, spoon still in mouth. Dan looks at the camera like he’s on the Office. Jumpcut: Dan claps his hand together as Phil pushes the empty bowl and spoon to the side.]

“Alright, let’s have a look at these, shall we?”

“Oh, god.”

[Jumpcut. Dan is leaning forward, head in his hands, making a noise that sounds like the unholy fusion of laughing and groaning as Phil beside him leans back in his chair and positively _cackles_ , tongue sticking partway out of his mouth.]

“I can’t believe this. We are literally the worst couple ever.”

[Phil continues laughing. Jumpcut: close-up of the cookies, clearly put in a specific order as Dan narrates in the background. All the cookies are dotted with ridiculous, lovey-dovey decorations and have a little message scrawled in the centre like seen on love hearts.]

“Okay, so we’ve got some relatively normal ones like ‘ _bae_ ’, and ‘ _nice butt_ ’, both of which I will happily take credit for –”

[It pans over the next two.]

“Some slightly depressing ones with ‘ _eh_ ’ and ‘ _you’ll do_ ’, by Phil and I respectively – I mean…”

[Jumpcut. They're looking at each other over the cooling rack of cookies, Dan shrugging and Phil making a “meh” expression.]

“I guess you’ll do?”

“Yeah, bit late to swap now.”

“I’m so happy we’re both too lazy to find a more suitable romantic partner.”

“Same.”

[Jumpcut: back to the cookies. The one on the farthest left has a golden circle beneath the messy writing.]

“Then we’ve got the slightly nerdy ones: me with ‘ _something round and golden_ ’ –”

“Dan secretly Gollum confirmed –”

“And Phil with ‘ _pork cutlet bowl that enthrals men_ ’ and ‘ _you > buffy_’, which, honestly, probably up in the top five of most romantic things that Philip Michael Howell-Lester has ever done in his entire life – not saying much, though, really –”

[Camera pans to the next set of cookies.]

“And then we’ve got the ones which don’t even deserve to be on the internet as Phil, hopeless romantic that he is, has written both ‘ _Bend over’_ and ‘ _Cillit bang me_ ’ on his cookies.”

[Jumpcut. The man in question is leaning back in his chair, hands over his mouth laughing as Dan holds the phone over the cookies.]

“Literally, for the whole of the internet to see, Phil has written ' _bend over'_ on a red velvet cookie, I am so sorry on his behalf.”

“Okay, but what’s worse, me having written that or the fact that it’s aimed at you?”

“– – –  I’m _leaving_.”

“Is that really as bad as ‘ _choke me_ ’, though?”

[Dan has the decency to look vaguely embarrassed before it the shot jumps back to the cookies, one of which has ‘ _CHOKE ME_ ’ written over a doodle of Darth Vader which is as badly drawn as it is pink. (That is to say, very pink). Jumpcut back to Dan and Phil, the phone now out of sight.]

“Which one are you gonna go for, Dan?”

“I think I might go for ‘ _I would_ ’ just cause same tee-bee-aych.”

“Oh, I definitely would.”

[Dan snorts with laughter as he picks up his cookie, scrunching his face up. Phil reaches for his own as he continues talking.]

“I think I might go for ‘ _ur gay_ ’ because it hasn’t been mentioned yet, and also it’s a pretty good summary of what we say to each other most of the time.”

“Despite neither of us actually being gay, who’d’ve thunk it?”

[Jumpcut. Dan counts down and they bite into their cookies, Dan with the obligatory moan of delight as Phil eats his with Slightly More Human Decency.]

“Oh, these are so _good_ , I am never eating anything else in my _life_ –”

“Are they as good as the Monster Pops, though?”

“Uh, no, nothing could ever be as good as the Monster Pops, I am the best thing I have ever eaten in my _life_.”

“I second that.”

[Beat. Dan looks at Phil incredulously, who still looks as innocent as ever.]

“I think that might just be the most NSFW thing that has ever been uttered on this channel, and that’s coming from the guy who has said some very questionable things involving Satan’s member and his own butt.”

[Jumpcut. Dan claps his hands together as he begins the Outro Talk.]

“So that was ‘ _Palentine’s Baking with No Homo Howell and Pal Lester_ ’ which turned out to be not very pally and probably the polar opposite of ‘no homo’.”

“I mean, what were we expecting, really?”

“Good point. If you enjoyed this shit-storm of innuendos, please give this video a thumb up, you can subscribe to my husband’s channel by clicking on his face –”

[He waves his hand towards Phil’s face, and Phil does the exact same back at him.]

“– and you can subscribe to this channel by clicking on my husband’s face.”

“The recipe is down in the description below if you would like to have a go at it yourself, and I hope you have a happy consumer-driven and trivial interpretation of love day spent with the person you want to annoy for the rest of your life just as we have.”

“Aw, thanks, Dan. You’re my favourite husband.”

"Such a relief to hear that, Phil. Bye!”

**Author's Note:**

> Entirely inspired by how my wife and I act on Valentine's Day. However, we're able to celebrate both Galentine's Day and Valentine's - ah, the joys of being a lesbian.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this fic and have a lovely Valentine's Day yourself!


End file.
